A friend asked me today if he thought we would be going to War in Iran. I guess Iran is an enemy or always was one and they "may" have nuclear weapons. At the last count there are about 22 countries who have or may have Nuclear weapons. However only about 10 of them have the more technical advanced weapons delivery system. This may not be surprising to you but it is apparently more difficult to build the missile delivery system then create the bomb itself. When you look at the list of countries with the bomb the most ominous appear to be Iran and North Korea, however only North Korea has the missile system. Both countries are pretty far from us but one is VERY close to one of our main allies, Israel. Some have argued that one of the main reasons we went to war with Iraq was because of our concern for Israel and others will argue one of the reasons we even care about Iran is because they may drop a big one on our main ally. I share this concern but quite frankly am a little tired about worrying about Israel and keeping track of Iran/Iraq,etc.
I have a solution they will work and benefit all of us. This Saturday night all Israelis pack up and move to New Mexico. When I say pack up I mean pack lightly, leave the buildings, automobiles and furniture. It cant be to difficult we moved plenty of people quickly before, maybe we take a long holiday weekend to do it. Anyway you get the point, maybe we sell them 10,000 acres for a token price of $20.
Now you may say this is preposterous but follow me for a second. Have you ever been to New Mexico? It is an expansive and desolate place, it is a desert, it is a lot like the climate of Israel but without some of the major cities/sights. Here is where American Ingenuity come in. We get someone like the Disney company to rebuild Israel in the desert, you saw what they have done at Epcot! So we create Jerusalem in the desert of New Mexico and relocate all the Israelis! Their enemies will wake up Sunday morning and go "holy shit what happened to the Jews?" After a couple of days of celebrating and shooting AK47's in the air and not finding an enemy what do you think will happen? You see that is the beauty of it-who cares!
Meanwhile the Jews are safe in the US, and what the hell, while their there they can stop the Mexicans from invading the US. Oh wow this is getting better than I thought. Can you imagine how productive the Jews will be if they where not worried about people blowing them up? It will be the new Tech center of the US! Could you imagine how much the US would get done without War in the Middle East?
Now I know some of you may think this is outlandish, but you have to admit, this is better idea than selling Manhattan for $24.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The legacy of Anna Nicole Smith
It saddens me to learn that one of our great Americans has recently passed. Anna Nicole was truly a great person of noted fame and celebrity. This was confirmed to me by reading and watching the fine new sources available to us over the last several days. Fox news, CNN and many others have dedicated entire shows and many hours of prime time coverage to her life. She was a "model and celebrity" by some accounts, a "actress and beautiful person" by others, and even a "modern day Marilyn Monroe" by some. I must admit I just thought she was just a drugged out, fat slut. However, I accept that I must of been wrong and in the words of Greta van something, she was smart, shrewd and beautiful.
So based upon that, I am thinking about changing the way I have been raising my girls and give them some advice on how to be a smart, shrewd, celebrity. I have looked at Anna Nicole's life and tribulations and come up with the following advice:
1) Dye your hair bleach blond and get large fake breasts. (this probably does not even need to be said, but we have to start somewhere)
2) Reveal yourself to the public by getting naked, preferably in a large circulation publication like Playboy, Hustler or Big Tit Blonds.
3) Find the oldest, richest, single human on earth, fuck him to death in 6 months or less.
4) Be involved in a national public court case and dress like a hooker for the cameras. If you can't get sued surround yourself with some lawyers for a while.
5) Get some kind of stupid TV show on a weird channel that makes no sense to anyone.
6) Gain a lot of weight and then lose a lot of weight. This is important that this is done after you are a noted celebrity. If Oprah gained and lost a lot of weight and wasn't a celebrity would anyone care?
7) Give the appearance of being stupid and stoned when interviewed on TV.
8) Occasionally appear nude or have a picture taken without your underwear
either by accident or on purpose.
9) Have a child out of wedlock or at least make it a mystery of who the father is.
10) Die tragically.
Now some may say that this is no way to raise a child. However, I have learned from watching the news that this would be great advice for a girl to become a noted, famed celebrity and isn't that what everyone wants?
So based upon that, I am thinking about changing the way I have been raising my girls and give them some advice on how to be a smart, shrewd, celebrity. I have looked at Anna Nicole's life and tribulations and come up with the following advice:
1) Dye your hair bleach blond and get large fake breasts. (this probably does not even need to be said, but we have to start somewhere)
2) Reveal yourself to the public by getting naked, preferably in a large circulation publication like Playboy, Hustler or Big Tit Blonds.
3) Find the oldest, richest, single human on earth, fuck him to death in 6 months or less.
4) Be involved in a national public court case and dress like a hooker for the cameras. If you can't get sued surround yourself with some lawyers for a while.
5) Get some kind of stupid TV show on a weird channel that makes no sense to anyone.
6) Gain a lot of weight and then lose a lot of weight. This is important that this is done after you are a noted celebrity. If Oprah gained and lost a lot of weight and wasn't a celebrity would anyone care?
7) Give the appearance of being stupid and stoned when interviewed on TV.
8) Occasionally appear nude or have a picture taken without your underwear
either by accident or on purpose.
9) Have a child out of wedlock or at least make it a mystery of who the father is.
10) Die tragically.
Now some may say that this is no way to raise a child. However, I have learned from watching the news that this would be great advice for a girl to become a noted, famed celebrity and isn't that what everyone wants?
Saturday, February 3, 2007
The Next President
Well, who is going to be the next President? It is still a little early to postulate but I did think long and hard about this and came up with 3 very strong contenders. It was a long and arduous task. I also thought deeply about what platforms are really important to the American people and not the obvious ones you hear about in the news like health care and social security. What do the people really think about before choosing the next president? What qualities are important? Well I am sure once you review this you will reach the same conclusion I did.
My first step was difficult. Who are the real leading candidates? Do you believe every bias poll that comes out or do you conduct your own? What about people who have not yet entered the race but may later become favorites? As you can see this list can be expansive and time consuming so I decided to use science and logic. I decided that the next president would have to have a first name of Al . Now please don't scoff at this, you have to start somewhere and this was a logical step. I couldn't of picked a name like Hillary because with the exception of Hillary Clinton I never heard of anyone else with that name except some mountain climber from ages ago where Hillary may of been his first name or second. I also could not pick a common name like John because the field would of been too big. You see how difficult this can be, so Al is a logical choice, not to common , not to rare, perfect for the next president.
The process became a little easier after that. Once Al was the name, I choose the three leading Al's who people are talking about as the next president. Al Franken, (Weird)Al Yankovic and Al Gore. It may seem obvious to you but I was a little surprised to hear Al Gore's name. Isn't he tired of all this politics? Didn't he run once, twice? Didn't he win once before? Was he actually a President already? Vice president? The other two did not surprise me but how would they stand up to the important issues? I listed the top issues people really think about before they vote and gave each candidate a rating of 1 being the best to 10 being the worst. I then summarized the results and the person with the lowest ranking would be the next president! You can see how scientific this is. I also admit I was surprised by the results.
1) In a fight could you take him? Yankovic 3, Gore 4, and Franken 10.
The edge goes to Yankovic being weird and all.
2) Would you let him date your sister?
(assuming you like your sister) Gore 7, Franken 10 and Yankovic 11.
The weird part hurt Yankovic on this one.
3) If you met him in person would he smell bad? Gore 1, Franken 6 and Yankovic 10.5
A critical issue, Gore's clean cut looks help a lot.
4) Footrace, 40 yards, could you bet him? Yankovic 2, Gore 4, and Franken 6.
Franken is getting smoked, obvious needs more macho image.
5) Did all his math homework? Yankovic and Franken both get a 1, Gore gets a 2.
Tough issue can help or hurt a candidate.
6) China attacks, would he hide under the desk? Yankovic 1, Gore 2 and Franken 10.
Yankovic would probably attack first.
7) Can name 4 countries near Iraq without cheating? Franken 1, Gore 2 and Yankovic 10.
Some call this question unfair, the edge goes to the Jew with the more Jewish name.
8) If he lent you 5 bucks would he keep asking for it? Yankovic 1, Gore 2 and Franken 10.
Weird helps on this one, being Jewish doesn't.
9) Is his summerhouse by you and would it
screw up the traffic? Gore 1, Franken 5 and Jankovic 1o.
This is just a guess of who is wealthier.
10) Can you look at him for longer than 5 minutes
without choking on something? Gore 1, Franken 6 and Yankovic 8.
If he is the president his face will be around a lot.
Total Gore 28, Yankovic 56.5 and Franken 57.
Wow! It really makes sense when you think about it and look at the science I employed. The next president of The United States, AL Gore!
My first step was difficult. Who are the real leading candidates? Do you believe every bias poll that comes out or do you conduct your own? What about people who have not yet entered the race but may later become favorites? As you can see this list can be expansive and time consuming so I decided to use science and logic. I decided that the next president would have to have a first name of Al . Now please don't scoff at this, you have to start somewhere and this was a logical step. I couldn't of picked a name like Hillary because with the exception of Hillary Clinton I never heard of anyone else with that name except some mountain climber from ages ago where Hillary may of been his first name or second. I also could not pick a common name like John because the field would of been too big. You see how difficult this can be, so Al is a logical choice, not to common , not to rare, perfect for the next president.
The process became a little easier after that. Once Al was the name, I choose the three leading Al's who people are talking about as the next president. Al Franken, (Weird)Al Yankovic and Al Gore. It may seem obvious to you but I was a little surprised to hear Al Gore's name. Isn't he tired of all this politics? Didn't he run once, twice? Didn't he win once before? Was he actually a President already? Vice president? The other two did not surprise me but how would they stand up to the important issues? I listed the top issues people really think about before they vote and gave each candidate a rating of 1 being the best to 10 being the worst. I then summarized the results and the person with the lowest ranking would be the next president! You can see how scientific this is. I also admit I was surprised by the results.
1) In a fight could you take him? Yankovic 3, Gore 4, and Franken 10.
The edge goes to Yankovic being weird and all.
2) Would you let him date your sister?
(assuming you like your sister) Gore 7, Franken 10 and Yankovic 11.
The weird part hurt Yankovic on this one.
3) If you met him in person would he smell bad? Gore 1, Franken 6 and Yankovic 10.5
A critical issue, Gore's clean cut looks help a lot.
4) Footrace, 40 yards, could you bet him? Yankovic 2, Gore 4, and Franken 6.
Franken is getting smoked, obvious needs more macho image.
5) Did all his math homework? Yankovic and Franken both get a 1, Gore gets a 2.
Tough issue can help or hurt a candidate.
6) China attacks, would he hide under the desk? Yankovic 1, Gore 2 and Franken 10.
Yankovic would probably attack first.
7) Can name 4 countries near Iraq without cheating? Franken 1, Gore 2 and Yankovic 10.
Some call this question unfair, the edge goes to the Jew with the more Jewish name.
8) If he lent you 5 bucks would he keep asking for it? Yankovic 1, Gore 2 and Franken 10.
Weird helps on this one, being Jewish doesn't.
9) Is his summerhouse by you and would it
screw up the traffic? Gore 1, Franken 5 and Jankovic 1o.
This is just a guess of who is wealthier.
10) Can you look at him for longer than 5 minutes
without choking on something? Gore 1, Franken 6 and Yankovic 8.
If he is the president his face will be around a lot.
Total Gore 28, Yankovic 56.5 and Franken 57.
Wow! It really makes sense when you think about it and look at the science I employed. The next president of The United States, AL Gore!
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